We all are into the 3^rd week of lockdown. And the number of patients of COVID 19 is increasing exponentially. Day by day the situation in India is getting unpredictable. It is uncertain whether the lockdown shall continue beyond 21 days or not. The researchers, medical personnel and the government officials are unable to predict how long it shall take to control the pandemic? The effect of this pandemic on the economy is incalculable and how long it will take to stabilise is unforeseeable!!! After being locked down for nearly 3 weeks, even our moods are fluctuating now!.

Too much of negativity…doesn’t it sound like that!!! These times are indeed chaotic and gruesome. But have you ever thought of similar kind of frightful period in your past? When we all were growing up- Have you ever faced such level of uncertainty, unpredictability, incalculability and instability?? We all have faced it while we were growing up!!It’s just that time heals and hence we have forgotten about it! In our minds, , the magnitude of the problems in those times was indeed huge. We had lots of questions- ‘why me’, ‘am I different’, ‘can anyone understand me’, ‘will my friends make fun of me’, ‘who am I’. And so on!!

 Yes, you all have rightly guessed it. I am talking about the period of adolescence!  The Tweens- 12 year olds and teens-13 years to 19 years of age!! This age group of young people don’t think they are kids any more, but we the adults don’t accept them as adults as yet!!! Yes, the adolescents face lot of turmoil during this transition period of childhood to adulthood. And unfortunately, most of the issues go unaddressed. This phase of 6-8 years duration is of immense changes-physical, sexual, hormonal changes which shall ultimately lead to complete development of an individual transitioning from childhood to adulthood!!

And today, at Parenting Matters- In times of lockdown, we shall be discussing with you these unaddressed issues of tweens and teens and how as parents we can support them in their journey of becoming an adult!

On following areas we shall focus while dealing with problems of adolescence:

1. Family relationship: As the child grows from a newborn to an infant, then a toddler to a kid to a school going child, the family as a unit also undergoes tremendous changes. However, as these school age children become adolescents, the family faces the biggest test of time.  Lot many issues spring up between parents and their teen, which never existed before.  This is a time of turbulence in the family, which they have to handle together!! Hence, we have to focus on some issues while handling this phase.

• Talk about physical and Sexual changes- Adolescence marks the period of tremendous physical changes in boys as well as girls. There is sudden increase in height –also called as growth spurt; weight gain occurs due to increase in muscle mass as well as body fat; skin and hair changes occur. In girls, maturation of female reproductive organs occurs internally and development of breasts occurs externally; menstrual cycle regulation also begins. In boys, broadening of shoulder, change of voice and maturation of male reproductive organs occurs too.  And we all have gone through these changes. But unfortunately, in very few families only these physical changes are discussed openly and distinctly; especially with boys where many changes go unnoticed as compared to girls!! And as these young minds are curious to know about the changes their body is showing, they tend to resort to unreliable sources like magazines, porn and advice from peers!!! So, even though you feel uncomfortable or your teenager gets irritated by you bringing out the topic, still talk about it. Let your teen know that everyone has to go through these changes and its okay to be curious as well as uncomfortable about it. Let your teen know that you are there for him or her, and he she can approach you for any queries any time. Take the help of a doctor if needed; or use reliable resources available on internet.

• Handling emotional outbursts– The physical and sexual changes of adolescence are attributable to hormonal changes. There is an upsurge of hormones, increase in excitatory neurotransmitters in brain which lead to emotional lability– i.e.  Rapid and exaggerated changes in mood occur, when strong emotions or feelings are experienced by these young people. There is expression of emotions on extremes- too happy sometimes, too sad at times, sometimes sudden anger outburst occurs, and sometimes they have feeling of shame and guilt. So, parents should handle these emotional ups and downs sensitively and discuss the issue when the young chap is not emotionally driven and can understand your piece of advice. Introduce them to anger management techniques like breathing exercises, talking about it, identifying triggers, taking help of exercise etc.

• Handling your teen’s self consciousness– Parents must have noticed, their adolescent has suddenly started getting conscious about his or her looks, his or her dressing etc. They become sensitive to other’s opinions and have increased receptiveness to peer influences too. There is increased sensitivity to public criticism. This can be attributed to a hormone called OXYTOCIN. To handle this, avoid finding fault with the adolescent in front of others. If the matter is important and needs to be brought into your child’s notice, wait until you can speak to the teenager alone. These teens also have exaggerated personal sense of uniqueness- they question- Am I different, Can anybody understand my problems etc. As parents, we should acknowledge the adolescent’s unique characteristics and at opportune times, encourage a more balanced perspective by pointing out that you had similar feelings as a young teenager and acknowledge that the insecurity and uncertainty the teenager has about one’s own identity is indeed difficult to deal with. 

• Handling idealism and criticism– You will find your teenager criticising you, the neighbours, relatives and even society over different values and imperfections. They become the fault finders. As a parent here, we need to handle their remarks patiently and point out positives in the targets and make them understand that society and people are a blend of virtues and imperfections! No one is PERFECT!

• Give them their personal space. – The parents of teenagers face an important issue of not being able to talk to their teenager as they used to do in the past, when they were younger. Many Parents complain of getting distanced from their own son or daughter. This makes them insecure and then they try to force them to talk!  This change occurs because, the teenagers are exploring their identity, they are trying to understand the physical changes in their body, they are spending more time with their peers, they feel their parents can’t understand their situation!  So to handle this situation, give space to your teenager, keep a watch on his or her activities but also don’t be a helicopter parent. Let your son or daughter know, that you are there whenever needed.

• Treat them as friends– Yes! Treat them as equals. Parents often tell their teenagers, that they are not a small kid anymore and should behave maturely. Whereas at other instances, the parents tell the same teenager, that they are not old enough to comment on these adult issues. So, the teenager gets frustrated by these contradictory statements! And the parents are neither to be blamed here, nor the teen is at fault. What happens is that the brain of these teenagers is undergoing tremendous changes. There is increased connectivity between distant regions of the brain which leads to more complex, flexible and adaptive thinking.  These teens thus develop abstract, scientific and systematic thinking. So they can now understand higher mathematics like algebra, geometry, they can understand relation among time, space and matter in physics and they can even argue philosophically about justice and freedom. But these changes of brain are a work in progress, they are not fully mature. Hence, these young people have some difficulties in self regulation- leading to impulsive behaviour, acting without thinking, decreased self restraint and thus we call it ‘childish behaviour’.  Therefore, sometimes your son or daughter gives an advise like a mature adult and sometimes he or she has childish tantrums.  So we need to treat them as friends, as our equals and respond patiently to their behaviours. Take their advice if it’s really worth it and help them grow out of their childish behaviours by making them understand they can handle the situation in a better way.

• Helping in decision making- Teenagers are at an important juncture of choosing their subjects thus leading to vocational paths; they have to balance between their love for sports or arts with their ever increasing load of studies. In such scenarios, avoid making decisions for your son or daughter. Let him or her make small small decisions of daily lives like whether to attend a wedding or not etc, show confidence in the decisions of your son or daughter.  Model effective decision making and offer diplomatic suggestions by showing the pros and cons of alternatives, the possible outcomes and learning from poor choices. Your teenager might make a mistake, but this experience shall sharpen one’s planning and decision making and help him or her to learn from poor choices too! Hence, explore various vocational options with your teenager, provide resource persons to talk and discuss with about the career options. Do not take decisions for your teenager!! Do not put your teen into the rat race of foundation courses for IIT, medical etc, when he or she has not even got a chance to explore about other fields!!!

2. Screen time: Keep a check on screen time exposure. Discuss with your teenager and set a limit; introduce the concept of balancing screen time with one’s schedule, using screen in moderation only and let screen time be  used as a reward which is earned after completing the homework or project work etc. The problem of Screen time exposure in this age group is multifaceted because of options available like internet, social media, gaming, TV, OTT platforms. Parents should know about the content being watched by their adolescent. Restrict access and limit social media. Use software to check on the browsing habits .Ensure no screen during meals, no screen in bedrooms and no screen 1 hour prior to sleep.

3. Sleep Hygiene– Puberty and hormonal changes lead to late sleep onset and thus late wake times. Also, The new found freedom of using mobile phones, laptops, heightened interests in peers and friendships and increased load of studies  add  up together as environmental factors competing with sleep. This leads to insufficient sleep and delayed sleep wake cycle. Hence, recommended sleep amount of 8-10 hours should be targeted. There shouldn’t be major discrepancy between patterns of sleep on weekdays and weekends. Therefore, ensure set bedtime, no Screens in bedrooms, no screen 1 hour prior to sleep and donot allow using the bed for other daily activities like eating, studying etc.

4. Reading Time– Reading in teenagers can help in giving perspectives to different scenarios. Reading fiction engages the teenager into evaluating stories, the characters in them, what they could have done and what they shouldn’t have done etc. Discuss a book with your teenager, make reading goals, encourage writing book reviews, join book club, etc. With non-fiction, you can draw attention to history, science, and politics and have discussions over it. These young minds can give us a new perspective to a thought we might have been holding on to for long! Books can also be used to discuss the changes of puberty and adolescence. For those, who had not been bitten by the reading bug, as yet, you can start now. Start with newspaper articles, graphic novels, short stories like those written by Ruskin bond, Sudha Murthy, etc. Just start. Read with your teenager and make reading goals. Reading is dreaming with open eyes and these teenagers deserve to see dreams!!

5. Eating habits: As the teens get conscious about their looks and as their body is showing changes, many of these young people go through phase of overweight, obesity  or distorted self body images where they wrongly self evaluate themselves as too thin or too fat. And then exposure to internet, magazines and advice from peers leads them to food faddism or extreme dieting. However, this period is of increased nutritional need of the body. Hence, parents should ensure that, their daughter or son is eating well and doesn’t have these body issues. If yes, it is absolutely fine to take medical help.

So to sum up,  as parents we all must focus on parent and teen relationship and simultaneously have a check on screen time, sleep hygiene, eating habits, promote reading, develop hobbies, give responsibilities , have confidence in your adolescent and most importantly believe in them!!!

I hope the info shared in this blog/podcast shall be helpful to all parents of teenagers!!

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(The author is a Developmental Paediatrician and deals with development and behaviours of children upto 18 years of age.)